Friday, March 23, 2012

#14 - Tech Support

Just so you know: banging the mouse on the desk works just slightly less than sticking your dick in the USB port, moving it around, and clicking your left ball twice to open Word.

#13 - Here kitty

I apologize that we did not keep on hand the cat piss-ruined book you returned as evidence of why you were charged for said book. We did not want our library reeking of cat piss for two weeks...a concern which may not be readily apparent to you, as you smell like twelve gallons of hot cat piss as I speak.

#12 - Wallets are overrated

When I prefer to handle a card you pulled out of your two-toothed mouth as opposed to your bra, that should tell you something about the general level of hygiene you are failing.

#11 - Semantics

When you say "I want a book" and I look up a book and you say, "That's not what I want. I want the movie" then you do not want a book. You may NEED a book, but you do not in fact want a book.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

#10 - Mystery novel

Sure, I am able to find books all the time for people that don't know the title, author, or plot, but know emphatically that the cover had blue on it.

#9 - What's that?

You singing at a computer very loudly defeats the purpose of the headphones I just gave you.

#8 - Global Warming

Having no winter means the mosquitoes didn't die off. Or the winos.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

#7 - Passing Me By

If you walk past the customer service sign, me, and the entire north side of the desk to ask me a question at the far end of the desk, I am legally allowed to ignore you for a full five minutes.

#6 - Bag Lady

Grocery stores give you free plastic bags because you spend hundreds of dollars in them every month. As you have spent zero dollars in the library over the course of your entire fucking life, our plastic bag is going to cost you a couple of pennies.

#5 - Darwin is dead

Proudly exclaiming you're computer illiterate in 2012 is proof that natural selection is extinct.

#4 - No dumping here

I'm sorry sir, but when you're evicted from the library that means you can't use our bathroom either. Yes, even when you have to, as you put it, "take a serious fucking dump."

#3 - Technical Difficulties

I know the computer didn't work for you before I came over. But I need you to show me what you did, not to prove the computer's fucked up, but to prove that YOU'RE fucked up.

#2 - Thumbs Up

I wanted to help you calm your screaming infant down, but then you put your thumb in your mouth while texting and I just gave up.

#1 - March Madness

Printing out NCAA brackets for you is not what I'd call the best use of my research capabilties.