#30 - What's Really Hood

When you donate your ghetto lit novel for collection consideration, then hear peals of laughter from the staff room? Don't get your hopes up.

#29 - Oops

You wouldn't have knocked over that book display if you had asked for the pencils behind the desk partition instead of reaching over it for them.

#28 - I Need a Job, Period

When you ask us to show you how to work the computer, you don't need to end every sentence with "'cause I need a job." You're in here every day for four hours a pop. No one is more aware that you need a job than I.

#27 - Press Pound for Parents

I won't confirm your identity by talking to your mom on your cellphone, not because it's against policy, but because you look like you have lice and ear mites.

#26 - Taxing

Whoever is still out there telling people that they can come to the library and that we'll "do their taxes for them" should stop now before I find them.

#25 - Gone in 30 Seconds

If you wait until you have 30 seconds left out of a 60-minute computer session to ask for my help with your resume, you're too stupid to live, let alone work.

#24 - Pop Pop

I'm not being nice so much as I am trying to be the person you spare when you finally go off your nut and shoot up the place.

#23 - Wite-Out

Budget cuts have nothing to do with why we don't have Wite-Out for you to use.
We don't have Wite-Out because we know how to use the backspace keys on our magic typey-typey boxes.

#22 - We don't need no stinkin badges

Contrary to what you may think, it is not "bullshit" that you are required to have ID to access your library account. What IS bullshit is walking around all day without any way to identify the body I'm about to leave in the parking lot.

#21 - Is it warm in here?

Is it still a book burning if I use Triple Crown books as kindling to set YOU on fire?

#20 - Proud to be Illiterate

My singular goal in life is to have you say "I'm computer illiterate" with shame instead of that stupid-ass grin.

#19 - Movie Night #2

Just because you add the number "2" to a movie title doesn't mean anyone actually made a sequel to it.

#18 - Movie Night #1

No, we don't have a copy of the movie that just came out this weekend sitting on our shelf.

#17 - Doctor's note

I can guarantee that giving me intimate details as to why you were in the hospital will not change the results of this title search.

#16 - High of WTF

I have never met so many people with whom I ONLY want to discuss the weather.

#15 - Are you sure?

Don't ever ask me to check-in your items to see what you still have checked out and then, when I inform you that you still have items checked-out, check the stack of books I just checked-in to see if I missed one.

Like, ever.

#14 - Tech Support

Just so you know: banging the mouse on the desk works just slightly less than sticking your dick in the USB port, moving it around, and clicking your left ball twice to open Word.

#13 - Here kitty

I apologize that we did not keep on hand the cat piss-ruined book you returned as evidence of why you were charged for said book. We did not want our library reeking of cat piss for two weeks...a concern which may not be readily apparent to you, as you smell like twelve gallons of hot cat piss as I speak.

#12 - Wallets are overrated

When I prefer to handle a card you pulled out of your two-toothed mouth as opposed to your bra, that should tell you something about the general level of hygiene you are failing.

#11 - Semantics

When you say "I want a book" and I look up a book and you say, "That's not what I want. I want the movie" then you do not want a book. You may NEED a book, but you do not in fact want a book.

#10 - Mystery novel

Sure, I am able to find books all the time for people that don't know the title, author, or plot, but know emphatically that the cover had blue on it.

#9 - What's that?

You singing at a computer very loudly defeats the purpose of the headphones I just gave you.

#8 - Global Warming

Having no winter means the mosquitoes didn't die off. Or the winos.

#7 - Passing Me By

If you walk past the customer service sign, me, and the entire north side of the desk to ask me a question at the far end of the desk, I am legally allowed to ignore you for a full five minutes.

#6 - Bag Lady

Grocery stores give you free plastic bags because you spend hundreds of dollars in them every month. As you have spent zero dollars in the library over the course of your entire fucking life, our plastic bag is going to cost you a couple of pennies.

#5 - Darwin is dead

Proudly exclaiming you're computer illiterate in 2012 is proof that natural selection is extinct.

#4 - No dumping here

I'm sorry sir, but when you're evicted from the library that means you can't use our bathroom either. Yes, even when you have to, as you put it, "take a serious fucking dump."

#3 - Technical Difficulties

I know the computer didn't work for you before I came over. But I need you to show me what you did, not to prove the computer's fucked up, but to prove that YOU'RE fucked up.

#2 - Thumbs Up

I wanted to help you calm your screaming infant down, but then you put your thumb in your mouth while texting and I just gave up.

#1 - March Madness

Printing out NCAA brackets for you is not what I'd call the best use of my research capabilties.