#28 - I Need a Job, Period

When you ask us to show you how to work the computer, you don't need to end every sentence with "'cause I need a job." You're in here every day for four hours a pop. No one is more aware that you need a job than I.

#27 - Press Pound for Parents

I won't confirm your identity by talking to your mom on your cellphone, not because it's against policy, but because you look like you have lice and ear mites.

#26 - Taxing

Whoever is still out there telling people that they can come to the library and that we'll "do their taxes for them" should stop now before I find them.

#25 - Gone in 30 Seconds

If you wait until you have 30 seconds left out of a 60-minute computer session to ask for my help with your resume, you're too stupid to live, let alone work.

#24 - Pop Pop

I'm not being nice so much as I am trying to be the person you spare when you finally go off your nut and shoot up the place.

#23 - Wite-Out

Budget cuts have nothing to do with why we don't have Wite-Out for you to use.
We don't have Wite-Out because we know how to use the backspace keys on our magic typey-typey boxes.

#22 - We don't need no stinkin badges

Contrary to what you may think, it is not "bullshit" that you are required to have ID to access your library account. What IS bullshit is walking around all day without any way to identify the body I'm about to leave in the parking lot.

#21 - Is it warm in here?

Is it still a book burning if I use Triple Crown books as kindling to set YOU on fire?

#20 - Proud to be Illiterate

My singular goal in life is to have you say "I'm computer illiterate" with shame instead of that stupid-ass grin.

#19 - Movie Night #2

Just because you add the number "2" to a movie title doesn't mean anyone actually made a sequel to it.

#18 - Movie Night #1

No, we don't have a copy of the movie that just came out this weekend sitting on our shelf.

#17 - Doctor's note

I can guarantee that giving me intimate details as to why you were in the hospital will not change the results of this title search.

#16 - High of WTF

I have never met so many people with whom I ONLY want to discuss the weather.

#15 - Are you sure?

Don't ever ask me to check-in your items to see what you still have checked out and then, when I inform you that you still have items checked-out, check the stack of books I just checked-in to see if I missed one.

Like, ever.